Race Car Man didn't make it an hour at school today when we got the call he needed to be picked up.
I've gotten a lot better about not feeling completely and panicked when this happens, but even though I'm much more composed, I'm still disheartened and frustrated. Three times since our meeting now he has had to be picked up from school, and other days the only reason he's managed to make a whole day at school was because his dad was in the classroom helping.
This morning it was that he forgot to bring his MP3 player, which he uses on the bus as a tool to help him not worry about other students and whatever they might be doing.
I'm just not sure what the right placement is for my son. His school seems completely unequipped to deal with him, but the only other option within our district is a class for students with behavioral issues. Yes, he has behavioral issues, but he also has autism and from talking to teachers and our therapist, who is aware of the classroom, we really believe it would be an even bigger detriment to him to place him there. Which leaves us exactly where we've been since he started Kindergarten: We have a smart student with a lot of issues who is unsuccessful in a classroom situation without a lot of individual support. We have a school district who thus far isn't offering the kind of support we all (including his teacher and the administrators at his school) believe he needs in order to stay at that school and access learning in his current classroom.
I have two inner voices. One is all doom and gloom and whispers to me of terrible outcomes, of a child becoming an adult who is completely unprepared for the outside world. Who is still living in my basement and dependent on me and not living a fulfilling life with a job he loves and friends of his own and maybe even a wife and kids. That he will never blossom or grow or get the chance to show the world how amazing he really is because I've failed thus far at figuring out how his puzzle pieces fit together.
The other voice tells me that everything is going to be fine, we will solve this and we will get there. I just don't know today, at this moment, how exactly that is going to happen. And I have to be OK with that because there's nothing I can do at this moment to alter the situation. I have made my call to the Director of Special Services. I have spoken to (argued with) my husband. I've spoken with my son's father. We have a therapy appointment already lined up. We are doing what we can and I have to put a brake on myself not to start getting ramped up and upset and making a thousand useless phone calls that won't do a damn thing to change the fact that probably there is no miracle solution to all of this. That the long term change will happen if we just keep plugging away at it, working on the solution to the puzzle that is Race Car Man. That answers will come to us that we haven't thought of yet. That ultimately, I can't even worry about the future because the only day that counts is today, and even if today didn't start off well I can still change it.
If I have to choose only one voice to hear, then by all means, let it be the one that points to a better place.