It is fifteen degrees out this morning. As I type this, three horses lean up against the pasture fence, blowing steam from their nostrils, wondering why I haven't shown up with armfuls of hay yet. Hang on boys, I'll get to you in a minute. I have something to say first.
There are lots of things I don't write about in detail on this blog. They're off limits. And I really don't like it when people are coy and they tell you they're writing about something they can't really talk about. And now I'm a hypocrite because that's sort of what I'm going to do right now.
You see, I've changed. I'm not the person I was ten years ago. I'm not the person I was five years ago. I changed, and yesterday I proved it to myself.
One of the biggest problems with being codependent is an frightening tenacity when it comes to hanging on to something even when its totally not okay, and sometimes even when its literally destroying you. I have hung on to people and situations in my life so hard that by the time they finally exploded, there were pieces of shrapnel and body parts found hundreds of miles away. And of course, in that kind of aftermath, I'd be simply unable to function for weeks and months.
I am so proud of myself today, and so grateful for my recovery. I know I still have a very long way to go, but when I am able to look at a situation in my life and say "this isn't the right situation for me" and simply step out of it, without anger and without blame, I can honestly say that I've made progress. And yesterday, I did just that. I was sad, and it hurt, but for once the fear of dealing with my feelings didn't stop me from making the right decision for me. For me and me alone.
Today, while we celebrate the things we are thankful for, this is going to be pretty damned near the top of my list. The top slots are reserved for the usual sappy things, my children, my family, all those things in life that I am so fortunate to have and should never take for granted. Somewhere floating around in that list,though, is a box next to the phrase "One step farther away from bat-shit crazy." And it is checked.