Life is such a balancing act.
There are periods of time where I am calm, unperturbed, I have everything together. There are other times when I feel like everything is falling apart and I'm just screwing it all up. I would be lying if said that I was always more together than not, or that sometimes these barometric changes never occured once or twice within the same day.
When SG was gone, there were times I really struggled to hold it together. His prolonged absence and his occasional disgruntled reaction to my letting him know how hard a time I was having triggered my lingering abandonment issues. I'd have days where I felt like nothing was ever going to be OK again, even when I know better than to think that way.
Now he's home, he's been home for more than a month. I fall into the trap of being so completely content that I start telling myself that everything will always be this way, always be OK. And that's a trap I don't need to fall into.
I suppose there is tipping point between the dramatic rise and fall where I am grateful for all that is going well, I am coping moderately fine with the things that are difficult, and I know and accept that things could be a whole lot better or a whole lot worse, and probably will be some of both before my turn on the carousel pony is over. I know there are a lot of things I'm able to cope with better than I used to. There are a lot of things I've given up trying to control and other things I'm still working on letting go of. There are also, truthfully, many things I know that could stand to be improved. Some things I'll very likely gain ground on and there others I quite possibly never will address.
I'm challenged at home and at work right now. Not with the husband, thankfully. SG is relatively unperturbable, he is fun to hang around with and the needle is staying fairly reliably in the "awesome" segment of the dial. Thank God for that.
I've been very fortunate, particularly in the last few years, to report up a chain of command of people I respect and who have been more than willing to mentor me. Like a lot of people, I've worked for a wide range of managers, some great, some horrid. I really appreciate a manager who doesn't beat around the bush, who lets you know what you did wrong and then doesn't remind you about it forever, who lets you know when you've done well, and who gives you good advice with the sincere intention of helping you to be successful in your environment. I have rarely worked in a place where I had the level of trust in my manager and my manager's manager that I do currently. I'm pretty damn grateful for my job and my company. It helps that I really love what I do. I have mentors and I have some great role models.
But like every work environment, things can change. No, let me rephrase that: things WILL change. No company or culture or group or individual can stay the same forever. As we move forward with some big projects looking to grow our business, I know my little corner of the world will change. I need to seek the opportunities that change provides, accept that change will come, and find ways to support my people in ways that help them succeed in an environment that requires flexibility and ingenuity. We need to continually find ways to do things better, and sometimes that means blowing it up and turning it into something completely new. I don't think I can be a good manager if I don't find ways to keep the moments of "OHMAHGAH I'M SO STRESSED OUT TODAY" from taking over my frontal lobe. You can't have much order and serenity inside your organization if your leadership is falling apart.
It feels like a big responsibility.
On the home front, I've made a friend recently who is a wonderful, if somewhat exhausting person. She's boarding her horse with me, and because of her circumstances, we are bartering some property improvements and chores for the feeding and provisioning for her lovely little horse.
Did I mention that my ex and I rarely had people over?
Well, we pretty much didn't. Like EVER. And of course I've mentioned that since we split up I opened my doors a little more often, but to those of you who truly enjoy entertaining I probably still look like a complete hermit. Then I met SG, and we've had friends and family over more often than I've been used to, but I like it. And it wasn't overwhelming, but it also wasn't every day. Now I've got someone who is coming by almost every day and interacting with us, and I'm not saying its bad, because its not -- its just a big change for someone who is used to being able to walk around half undressed most of the time. And there are many positives -- my daughter is getting riding lessons from someone who is much more patient with her than I. Things I need to get to and don't ever have the time to do are starting to get done. My old horse is getting some exercise. I've made a new friend who is kind and funny and unique.
I can wish for my little pond to always look the same, every day, but the wise little voice inside me says that stagnant water pretty quickly fills up with green slimy things. You need a system of flush and intake to keep the water clear and potable. So it is with my house and my life. Change is inevitable, and change is not necessarily bad.
Still, about once a day, I find myself starting to pace and talk to myself. Less frequently, thankfully, I get the sensation that I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to step off, and I don't know the first thing about how to put on a parachute so I have no idea if I'm going to hit the air floating or go splat!
Inner peace, baby. I"m working on that.
