There are lists in my life. Lists of things to get done at work. Lists of groceries to buy, lists of chores that need doing for the weekend. A list for each child, of appointments to make, prescriptions to refill, meetings with educators, things needed in the way of clothing. But never in recent memory (which is short these days, frightfully so)have I sat down and written out a list of promises to myself or others meant to commence on the first day of a new year. And I'm not going to start writing one now.
What I have, instead of resolutions, are hopes. The year brings with it the promise of things being ever better. The days have turned the corner and are growing longer, we know that the cold months are halfway done and the spring is just around the corner, that the great wheel is turning and the green will return to the leaves and the birds to their empty nests, and that for some reason we have a chance to shake off the past and try again with everything mysteriously new.
I began the year just past with a heavy heart and my head in the fog. My hopes were many but my expectations low. As with every year that I've lived, my lack of optimism was unfounded, but my guarded heart was warranted. There were losses, there always are. There was bad news and there was struggle. And in the midst of all of those challenges, because those things tend to grow us, there was transformation. My life mirrors the world around me. Just as the wheel of seasons brought green back to the landscape and the warm winds of spring, the pain was tempered by joy.
There's joy ahead of me too, I know that. Its already here, in so many ways. For the first time in a very long time, I wake up in the morning and my first instinct is not to hide away in the virtual world inside my computer. I want to see the light in the sky, hear what's happening in the world outside, and I awaken with anticipation of happy times spent in the company of my family and...other certain people. I am breathless with anticipation of the ground returning to normal so that I can spend time with my horses in more enjoyable ways than simply hugging them and smelling their warm horsey-ness as I trudge back and forth with their hay a couple of times a day. I look forward to the changes yet to come for my beautiful, amazing children. And I know that in all of that there will be challenge, pain and struggle. I know there will be loss, some of it expected and most of it harshly surprising.
Through all of it I'll be here doing my best to be a kinder, better parent, a more loving friend and daughter. I'll be doing my best to be on my horse every weekend when the weather allows.
I have so many hopes this year, things written on my heart that carry immeasurable promise. Things I can't write about yet, because ...well, because.
I can't wait.