Some days the weight of it all becomes unbearable.
Its not just the things that are unique to my situation, though those are a large part of the heaviness. Living one paycheck away from God only knows what kind of financial disaster may befall is scary. Looking at the half-ton of hay left in the barn and Christmas rushing at me on the calendar and knowing the old gelding needs his teeth floated and my daughter wants to sign up for basketball and my life insurance premium is coming due and my son needs interventions and god, the house needs cleaning and things need fixing and I need a haircut and I forgot my meds and we're out of groceries and and and...makes my heart want to thump right out of my chest and go careening madly down the street. There's the faces of my kids and the other inmates at the zoo who all need some portion of time and attention, which becomes harder to give the more stressed out and tired I get. There's the ungodly amount of work waiting for me at my desk and the burden of finding a new hire before the job kills me. There's the worrying about so many things and so many people.
There's the stuff that we all go through - am I doing the right things with my kids? Setting the right examples? When I make decisions about life, career, finances, am I making the right ones? Am I OK with my loved ones? Am I OK with God? AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?
Thursday I will cook a big ass turkey and all the trimmings and I will sit down at the table with my kids and my ex husband (yes, we do holidays together) and I will try, for at least one day, to put these things out of my mind and remember to be damned grateful for all the things that I DO have and stop worrying about the things I don't.
I have parents who support me in so many ways you can't even imagine. Who love and listen and care and give, time and money and hugs and words.
I have beautiful, amazing children. Children who are funny and smart and creative and kind. Children who are sensitive and special and miraculous. Children who out of the blue will come up to me and squeeze me around the middle and tell me they love me "more than the whole everything."
I have friends who love me. Friends that come get me with their rig so I can ride my horse somewhere outside of my own pasture. Friends who drive cross country to see me. Friends who take me out to listen to a band when I'm so stressed out I can't breathe. Friends who send me funny emails and make me laugh. Friends who pray for me all the time. Friends who find little ways to pick up some of the balls I drop. Friends who live in the box on my my desk, that share their daily struggles and joys and who listen to mine. Friends who write comments here and other places that show me they are listening and that they care.
I have these furballs, big and small, who bring meaning and joy to my life. The warmth and weight of the purring cat on my lap, the dogs curled around my chair as I type, the horses who rumble and look happy when I emerge from the house. My horses who let me hug them and hang on them and who put their soft noses near my face and breathe their horsey breath on me. My silly little chickens who follow me around whenever I'm out by the barn and who give me breakfast almost every day.
And I realize that sometimes the heavy thing that I feel is not the burden of responsibility, but a large, solid blanket of love and support that wraps me up and helps me carry the weight of all the other things.