I had something lighthearted all written up to post today, I was just going to give it some last minute editing and then schlep it onto the blog.
But something else found its way to my heart to be blogged about today, I'm sure that happens to all of us from time to time.
Sometimes as a parent I feel confident that I know what I'm doing. I know my kids, I get what it is they need from me, and for the most part I feel like I am doing a good job providing it. The divorce is hard, on all of us. I am confident this is the right step, for lots of reasons. We've had lots of therapy with the kids and had assurances from the professionals, the people who are supposed to know what they're doing, that we are handling this in the best way possible, putting our kids needs first insomuch as that is possible, and providing them with much love and assurance to help them feel secure.
I know, from talking to other parents, to professionals and through what I've read, that even when kids really understand that there are valid reasons for their parents to split up, even when they readily admit that they like living without the fighting, at heart they still always wish for their parents to reconcile, to have their family in one piece again. And even though I understand this, intellectually, emotionally - its still extremely painful to be reminded that the decisions we make as parents have deep and unavoidable consequences for our children.
In addition to really enjoying writing stories, my daughter likes to make lists. She makes lists of her friends, of her animals, her family members. I don't know if it is a self-comforting method or just a way of understanding the framework of her life. As I was putting clean clothes away in her room, I found this, her latest list.
The first three things are sad enough. AT 8 my daughter already wants to be popular, and as a child with behavior issues, that's going to be difficult for her. But the fourth? I felt my heart sink to the ground and shatter.
I know she needs to be able to say these things, and I'm not going to ever tell her that she can't wish for her mom and dad to be together. But its hard knowing that I can't make her wishes come true. Even though I believe that I am doing the right thing, reading her words makes me wish I had the ability to change history, erase time, start over again and do things differently. And I just. cant.
Its that moment of I'm trying to do what I know is right for me and by doing it I'm hurting my kids.