Two more days until this year is finally over. i'm not sure how i feel about that yet, its been such a crazy year. In some respects it was the biggest grandiose bitch of a year EVER, so much so that if I could find some way to make it suffer for my suffering, I would. Time, though, has a way of dulling the pain of all things, and so I know that someday in the future I will look back upon 2009, not remember the feeling that the top of my head was being peeled off and my brain was being set on fire by green-haired gnomes. Instead I'll think to myself "It really wasn't so bad."
Still, it was a watershed year.
I managed to send out Christmas cards this year (at least a few), but I did not include an annual letter, ending I can't remember how many years of tradition. This year I just had no fucking clue what to write. How do you put this stuff in a Christmas card?
The first part of the year, after the excitement of the inauguration (GO-BA-MA!), was punctuated by the death of my birth grandmother. She was my "bonus" grandmother. I got her when I found my birthfamily. My maternal grandmother had passed on in 1995, my dad's mom died when I was really little (which is probably a good thing, since she was the meanest, scariest grandma EVER), so in some respects it was nice to have a grandparent again, even if she was a little rough around the edges. She loved her family, was often judgmental of them and perplexed by them (aren't we all?) and she gave to each of them not in the least equally, but to the measure that she felt each needed. She had this habit when talking to one of us of lambasting all of the other grandchildren to hell and gone. She would rant endlessly about their misdeeds and poor choices. None of them could do anything right, with the exception of the one she was talking to. Except you knew that if she wasn't talking TO you she was talking ABOUT you in exactly the same way to one of the other grandkids. At first it really bothered me, that she did this and it was unfair, but over the years I understood finally that her endless fussing and worrying was what passed for love in her generation.
Her funeral was an interesting affair, it was the first time I'd seen my birthmother in well over 12 years. We did not speak. Of course there was drama, there always is when it comes to this side of the family. I won't go into all the minutiae of it, but I will say this: 1. When your grandmother leaves you money in her will, while it is being probated, it is unbelievably CRASS and RUDE to call the estate attorney on a weekly basis asking "When am I getting my money?" 2. If the only ONE AND ONLY thing you are asked to handle at your grandmother's death is to put her obituary in the paper? Could you do that? Please? 3. It is her funeral, it is not your stage. I didn't know there were 8 verses to Amazing Grace, let alone that you felt compelled to sing EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM for us, a capella.
Some of my birth relatives are real assholes. I'm an asshole too, but this is my blog, so I get to talk about them as if I'm perfect.
Spring came. I did get in a couple of trail rides, which were lovely and fun. In May I took my mare to Full Circle Ranch for a training weekend. I met a new friend, I learned a lot, I had a great time eating Angie's cooking and drinking Bill's wine and riding my horse, getting away from my life for a few days. I also brought home The Kittens, which act probably gave my marriage its final push out the door.
June was a horrible month. My marriage disintegrated. (No, I will not go into details here. Its private, this blog is public, everyone has their own side of the story. Period.) My boss got let go, which sucked because I liked him a lot. I was figuring out I needed to file bankruptcy. I was a mess. I didn't ride for almost three months through all of this, that's how bad it was. In July we had to take the already-planned and paid-for trip to New Jersey to visit the in-laws and friends. I was so excited to see people I loved and missed, I was determined to put a good face on all of it and enjoy it despite the difficult circumstances. Well, Difficult Circumstances didn't much cooperate and even though I enjoyed some wonderful times with beloved people and Child A learned to swim in the pool underwater on her first day, there was tension and drama and that part of it really really sucked.
August the separation became reality, and it was a time of big adjustment for all of us (and yes, I know, "big" is really understating it, I just don't feel like thinking about it). in many ways I think I'm still finding my footing. Its been a struggle to let go of old patterns and ways of thinking. As hard, humbling, frustrating and oh, my gosh, challengingas it has been, it needed to happen. I can only speak for myself, but when you try to change for other people, change likely won't happen, and if it does, it isn't real and it won't last. When you change yourself FOR yourself and your own self alone, THAT is when true change occurs. So I'm grateful for the chance to change. My therapist says that its when you feel your worst that you learn the most, and I guess that's true. It does piss me off, I admit, that I thought I was perfectly bloody FINE before, and you know everything that happened in life had to be someone else's fault. Except life smacked me in the head and said "Shut up, bitch. I isn't always about YOU." Well, some of it is. I'm working on it. Sometimes I want to stab myself through the eye with a pencil, but really, I'll survive it.
Fall brought some semblance of peace, some time to ride my horses, even if it wasn't nearly enough time. All too soon the winter dark was here, but I survived that and finally the holidays arrived to give us some twinkly lights and stuff to look forward to. With my folks gone to Arizona (I desperately miss you, you old snowbirds, dammit) there weren't a lot of us to celebrate with, but God bless my brother for coming over for Christmas, our first together in, oh, gosh - fifteen years? At least. It was one of the best Christmases I've had in a few years. Second best, after watching the kids open their pressies was my time with my brother. If you have never played drunken Wii Bowling with your brother or practically thrown out your shoulder trying to strike him out in Wii baseball, I highly recommend it. A very good time was had by us. Christmas was awesome, and J and I managed very well to coexist peacefully in the same space so the kids could have both of their parents for Christmas.
I don't know what next year will bring us. I know the things that I wish for, the things I want, but I also know that life will undoubtedly feel compelled to inject a certain level of SUCK into it. And that's ok. I can handle it.
Happy almost New Year. I love you.